My Amazing Powers Back to Work: Imprinting Explained

Because, I, Marcus, have amazing powers to sense people's relationships, I can understand something that no one else can: werewolf and imprinting.
And since Dan has once again challenged the Twilight series in his amazing blog (http://community.sparknotes.com/2010/10/28/blogging-breaking-dawn-part-19) regarding the imprinting between Quil and Claire and Jacob and Optimum Beyonce (I know it isn't her real name, but I like this better), I will try to explain the art of imprinting (yes, it is an art form).

First, let me talk about the relationships. Then, I will proceed to explain the science behind it.

The relationships are not sexual. It is true-lovish. Like earth revolving around moon, the imprintee is the imprinter's center. It is as real as the loam we step on, as true as the sparkling Edward.
The relationship can be compared to that of Edward's and Bella's. Once imprinted, the imprintee is the sole reason for the imprinter's existence. Even the rhythm of their heart beats are beautiful. Whenever the imprintee enters the imprinter's eyesight, it is like a huge amount of red and orange and yellow and purple and blue and green approaching and covering the imprinter's heart. But, since this is true love, the imprintee shall return the love to the imprinter as early as birth. In other words, Optimum Beyonce will discover a love for Jacob before even discovering her own toes.
The relationship is at best true-lovish, at worst pedophilish and stalkerish.
With all that said, I don't understand why Dan is so creeped out by this. Both the pedophile and the stalker parts are also present in Edward and Bella's part. Edward is over 100 years old and in love with a teenage girl. Edward watches Bella when he sleeps. And Dan got over this relationship ok, or almost ok. It is yet determined if Dan will get over the imprinting relationships. Once he decides to, Alice will see it and will alert me.

Now, moving on to the science.
In a nut shell, imprinting works because of - chromosomes!
Yes, that's right!
Now, let's get into some specific math!
Number of chromosomal pairs in a vampire: 25
in werewolves: 24
in Optimum Beyonce: 24
in human: 23
Now, imprinting will only work on organisms that contain more chromosomal pairs than human but less chromosomal pair than vampires. In other words, only werewolves and Optimum Beyonce can be imprinters. But since a werewolf saw Optimum Beyonce before Optimum Beyonce saw her imprint mate (for her eyes weren't even focused when it happened), the werewolf (Jacob) becomes the imprinter while Optimum Beyonce becomes the imprintee. Following me so far?
Imprinters can imprint on organisms only when the chromosomal pairs in that organism is less than or equal to the imprinters. Thus, werewolves can imprint on Optimum Beyonce or humans, but can't imprint on vampires.
And due to the number of chromosomal pairs, imprinting exists beyond law and reason. It is only weird and abnormal in the imprinting world if the difference in chromosomal pairs is greater than 2. Only when this happens, will the relationship be abnormal or qualifies as pedophile. So, it is perfectly reasonable when werewolves imprint on humans or Optimum Beyonce, regardless of their age, because the difference is 1 and 0 respectively. With these small differences, the relationships are not illegal at all.
Now, if Jacob imprinted on an attic, which has 13 chromosomal pairs, it would be illegal and the cloak of black will have to kill him. But it is perfectly lovely if Jacob imprints on Optimum Beyonce.
Understand? This isn't anymore complicated than Alice's powers!

P.S. See, Dan, I can not only sense relationships, I can do math and science too!

People Alert: New Changes to the Fickle Dan Bergstein

Yes, I've said that Dan Bergstein is awesome. And, no, I've not changed my mind, because I am not fickle like Dan. Fickle isn't technically a bad thing. And in his defense, Dan is only like this because of the unbelievably ridiculous Twilight series that some people call books.

Anyways, back to my point. I, Marcus, with my amazing relationship sensing powers, am here to declare Dan Bergstein, Mr. Lt. Lasermind, fickle.

Have you guys seen how many times that man has changed his mind?

Case 1: Alice

First, he loves Alice. Alice was his third or fourth character in Twilight for awhile, just after me (Dan won't admit it, but he loves me), Emmett, and sometimes Jacob (Dan's relationship with Jacob is even more fickle, I'll get to that later).
And why did Dan stop loving Alice? Just because she kidnaps Bella from time to time, she has an unexplainable power that works randomly, and she likes to keep people in the dark?
But who doesn't love a kidnapper?
And Alice's power is very much explainable! Her power works when Stephanie Meyer needs it to work and doesn't work when Mrs. Meyer needs it not to work. Period. It doesn't take a mind reader to figure this out.

Dear Lt. Lasermind,

I know your mind is laser-sharp, but use your brain powers somewhere more useful, like assisting your brother with his laser building. Don't waste it on Alice who simply follows Mrs. Meyer's wishes.

Sincerely,
Marcus

And Alice only keeps people in the dark because she has to show off her power and feel special somehow, or else she would be ordinary. It's not like she has super powers as cool as mine. I can read relationships, blog about them, and make people smile loudly. Not everyone is that special!
My point is, Dan has now stopped loving Alice because of some things that are not even her fault. In fact, Alice is now among some of Dan's least favorite characters, along with Edward and Bella.


Case 2: Jacob
Dan loved Jacob. In fact, he has a semi crush on that guy, the crush a straight guy has on another straight guy.
By the way, in case you guys are wondering, Dan is straight as he claims to be. Do doubt there.
But now Dan has changed his mind. And all Jacob has done is lie, force kiss a girl twice, fell in love with the emotionally unstable Bella, and is talking more emotional crap just like Edward.
But who doesn't like someone who force kisses someone else? Some people might consider it sexual assault, but Bella definitely likes it. I mean, she actually realized that she loved him during the second of these force kisses.
Just because of these reasons, he gets replaced by Seth, who hasn't made any appearances in the books except for ripping off Riley's arms? Come on, how fickle is that.

Case 3: Breaking Dawn
Now Dan loves Breaking Dawn, just see his new blog: http://community.sparknotes.com/2010/05/20/blogging-eclipse-part-26
He's saying things like he can't wait for the book and he's going to get tattoos featuring the book and stuff.
Dan, I don't usually spoil books, but I'm going to ruin this one for you. Nothing exciting happens in Breaking Dawn! Nothing! No jet packs, no Emmett with swords, no pirates, no robots! The only bright part about it is me! Yes, I show up just for a tiny bit!
Instead, the book is filled with more emotional soul-talks and more disturbing plots.
And Dan, you'll change your mind and hate it very, very soon. (Yes, I have the occasional moments when I can also predict the future.) So, I hope you haven't gotten your tattoo of "Breaking Dawn is not a bucket of fail!" yet. Because, if you have, you'll have to get it surgically removed soon enough, at least the "not" part.

There you go, here is your post of Dan Bergstein is fickle post.
Next time on Marcus's Trashy Gossip Blog: Honestly, I'm not sure yet, it depends on what relationship reveals itself in the next few days.

Relationship Alert: Aro and Edward

Now, I cannot really say that Aro loves Edward, for that Aro has more power than I do and can ask Dakota Fanning to cause me pain. And I really don't have any other power to defend myself against Aro or Dakota Fanning, except for threatening to gossip about them in this blog. But since Dan Bergstein already openly broadcasted their relationship in his blog post (http://community.sparknotes.com/2010/05/14/blogging-eclipse-part-25), I guess there's no reason to keep the relationship secret to myself any longer.

What I sense is that Aro feels a little woozy when he is around Edward or thinks about Edward. In human terms, it is your usual blushing, heart rate accelerating etc. Aro feels these emotions because in the thousands of years he has lived, Edward is the first one to have the same sort of power he has. Aro wants to share all the deepest secrets he learned with Edward, and perhaps learn more from Edward.
In fact, I sense that the next time Aro goes to Forks, it will not be to punish Bella or any of the Cullens. Instead, Aro will go only to visit Edward and hold his hand, so he can learn what kind of music Edward likes (to make that mixed CD), and to learn if Edward would consider being his Facebook friend.
Unfortunately, this feeling is not returned by Edward. Aro just makes a little too much sense and is not emotional enough to fit Edward's strange taste.

Next time on Marcus's Trashy Gossip Blog: Edward and Bella (unless a more trashy relationship develops in the next few days)

Relationship Alert: Dan Bergstein and Seth Clearwater

You guys all know Dan Bergstein, right? How could you not? He's only the bestest (yes, it's a word!), the funniest, the wittiest person in the whole entire world, only second to his brother, who makes laser beams (more on his brother in another column on Dan's relationship with his brother)!

Anyways, Dan Bergstein has recently fell in love with a Twilight character, a werewolve named Seth Clearwater. I sense that the relationship is quite strong, only second to Dan's feelings for Emmett. I know this not only because Dan wrote it in his awesome blog (http://community.sparknotes.com/2010/05/14/blogging-eclipse-part-25) , but because I sensed it with my relationship sensing powers. You're smiling, right? I hear you smile with your voices, I love loud smiles, it's the best kind. Dan does it too when he hears about my powers.

Back to the relationship. Dan loves Seth Clearwater because Seth is an awesome werewolve. He rips off Riley's arms and kills him and might have eaten him. I'm not sure, I can't read minds, I need to get Aro for that. Hold on...
Just conformed, Seth ate Riley.

Seth also loves Dan. Seth loves Dan, just like everyone else, because Dan is the bestest, funniest, and wittiest person in the whole entire world.

Coming soon next time on Marcus's Trashy Gossip Blog: Aro and Edward